🚀 Next-Gen Data Platform Name Generator

Current Industry Status

Number of "revolutionary" data platforms announced this quarter: 47

Percentage that are actually just renamed ETL tools: 89%

Average number of buzzwords per product description: 23

Actual productivity gained: TBD (still synergizing)

Buzzword Translation Guide

Quantum: "We heard it's fast"

AI-Powered: "We added an if/else statement"

Mesh: "Multiple databases, but make it sound fancy"

Fabric: "Like mesh, but softer"

Hyperconvergence: "We put everything in one place again"

Synergy: "We can't explain what it does either"

Zero-Trust: "We don't trust our own code"

Self-Healing: "It crashes gracefully"

Enterprise-Grade: "Costs 10x more"

Cloud-Native: "Docker containers all the way down"